[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
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INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day