[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
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TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Breaking news:
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!