Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
You Might Also Like
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Never be a pizza!
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
i want to work in this restaurant
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.