Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
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“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.