Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
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Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.