@JagAskell

Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.

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@ItsAndyRyan

I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.

@ericsshadow

[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.

@Playing4Second

CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint

@brunopieroni

“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.

@fro_vo

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far

@AdamOfEarth

Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.

@yoyoha

Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.

@WritePlay

*date*

GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?

LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.

@PaulyPeligroso

The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.