Duolingo getting serious.
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LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Nothing to do, you say?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby