[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
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Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂