@ArfMeasures

[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys

[all the other players look at me]

ME: Is….is anyone else cold?

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@mdob11

[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family

@TheLemon_

I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.

-me to my barber

@LeaMehanna

I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out

@seamussaid

FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper

@mjkspeaks

It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.

@KeetPotato

karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]

@FredTaming

[ first time mugging ]

me: gimme all your mash

him: did..did you just say-

me: mash. omg i did

him: lol

me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry

him: np my dude, take it from the top

me: gimme all your coney ope

@HollyBallantine

Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.

@WilliamAder

If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.

@LorieGZ

Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!

Very funny Mom!