During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
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*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
The Book. The Movie.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda