@TheBigBatman

During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.

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@xMonica13x

*logs onto Facebook*

*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*

*logs off forever*

@JustMeTurtle

[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?

@mrjohntofu

People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.

@badbanana

Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.

@TheAlexNevil

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

@justky1018

Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon

@mollymcnearney

Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.

@Jenny4ashley

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

@Cheeseboy22

Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.