During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
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Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Not all heroes wear capes.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.