During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
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I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR