During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
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Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
🙋♀️
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.