During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
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Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*