@SarahThyre

During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.

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@Hobo_Splendido

Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.

@YoungNobler

Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate

@PezzleStick

A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.

@sarahlwalks

Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys

@LocalButtLiker

my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking

@YourMomsucksTho

It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed

@IamEnidColeslaw

may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning

@squirrel74wkgn

[at Victoria’s Secret]

*folding panties on table*

“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”

Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*