@Hobo_Splendido Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
@SarahThyre During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
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@Hobo_Splendido 
@TheAndrewNadeau ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
@YoungNobler Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
@PezzleStick A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
@sarahlwalks Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
@LocalButtLiker my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
@YourMomsucksTho It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
@IamEnidColeslaw may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
@squirrel74wkgn [at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
@superdollman Being rude underwater is snarkeling