Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
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ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Being rude underwater is snarkeling