[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
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“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
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I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?