{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
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Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.