[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
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2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest