During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
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Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Always the camel, never the toe.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.