[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
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Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry