[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
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“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
#Caturday
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down