[during sex]
Can you pass the mashed potatoes?
![]()
You Might Also Like
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Nicole Kidman said WHAT?!
![]()
Last-minute gift idea!
![]()
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”
– Midnight, a church friend
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.
me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain
![]()
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.