[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
You Might Also Like
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Why is no one talking about this?!