*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
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If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
stop
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
When he asks for feet pics
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss