Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: you ever done hot yoga?

*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*

Pretty sure

I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god

Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?

Me: *hands cash*

EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol

me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin

therapist: what’s your greatest fear

me: randomly going blind

therapist: i see

me: but for how long?

If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.

[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless

I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

ed has no gf cuz sheran away

Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.

“You got any plans tonight?”

Me: Yeah, sorry I do

The plans:

If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.

This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out

A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number

🚲+physics = winner

“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.

I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.

Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.

every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again

My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?

corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-

me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”

It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story

“Wait, let me explain..”

*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!

*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!

Skills

I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup