[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
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One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
I like long walks away from everyone
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
subtitles are so good nowadays
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.