(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
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Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
my first day as a raccoon
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
did it work
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories