[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
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Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
2 years later
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
My ideal weight is five million dollars
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one