[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
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“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
This came to me in a dream.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
only 11 steps left
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*