[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
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Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.