[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
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If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
finally found a reasonable question
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
My life in a nutshell
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.