{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
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When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
#dalle2
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing