[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
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OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
The Compass
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Pretty much. 🤣
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.