*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
You Might Also Like
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.