[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]

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Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.

She’s really good at that.


“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.


Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.


Single: We do it like rabbits

Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet


Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot


My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.


Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.


me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue