Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary

“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.

yeah I’m a CEO

Constantly
Eating
Oreos

what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex

Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.

– Frank Piñata

The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.

Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings

Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him

I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right

not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact

My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!

Me: oh cool what are they?

Grandma:

My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family

*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.

Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’

Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’

Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.

“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases

If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️

*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*

– parallel parking a time machine

i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii

Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.

“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate

Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.

If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one

I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo

Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.

If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.

I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon