[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
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Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”