[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
You Might Also Like
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you