[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
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When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.