<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
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Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits