[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
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My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Only short people can save us
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
🤣😂
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.