[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
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Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
No selfies while hijacking a train.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.