(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
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I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
@funTweeters
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”