During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
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Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff