During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
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My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.