During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
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[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.