*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
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me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Tell the colonel to bring it
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
peep davidson
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.