Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
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“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.