Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
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Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!