Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
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TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture