Dyslexics are teople poo!
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Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
i prefer mine room temperature.