E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
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Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Natural selection at its finest
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
i would wish you the best but i am the best
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.