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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
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Clients after you give them your rates
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Happy birthday to all the women
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.