E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
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Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now